bumper sticker

"Make God laugh, tell Him your plan."

Status

Haven't posted in a while, well like a week. I'm only posting now because I got to school so early.
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have held everything in. Everything about my break up, I've acted like it doesn't hurt, and that I am completely fine. I'm getting along without him, moving on, all is okay. But I'm not. And it's all surfacing. It's like the break is beginning. I can feel my heart start to crack. And it's cracking slowly... '

Unfortunately it can't be healed until it's completely broken.

I was like okay! I'm going to try hard. I have been. But I miss him. And I've come to realize it is him. Not a figment of my imagination, not the 'perfect' him, not just any ol' boyfriend. But the boy I dated for six and a half years.

The person I am myself around.
The person I crack up with.
The person I don't mind singing in front of.
The person who wrestles with me.
The person who puts me to sleep.
The person who listens to my many, many problems.
The person who says I look pretty even when I know at the moment I don't.
The person who waited for me.
The person who tells me the truth.
The person who gives the best bear hugs.
The person who encourages me.
The person who laughs when I rip his belt loop.
The person who comforts me.
The person who forgives and forgives and forgives me.
The person who is patient with me.
The person who hates my driving.
The person who is playful with me
The person who cooks for me.
The person who doesn't complain.
The person who keeps me safe.

But he's also the person that I hurt.
The person that I lied to, repeatedly.
The person to whom I did things that are irreversible.
The person I am having trouble living without.
The person that I want to say I'm sorry too.
And the person I want to start over with.

He'll come along, and I'm thrilled. Hehe!!!

When I had a boyfriend it was easy to tell a guy no I wouldn't go out with him. All I had to say was I have a boyfriend. Obviously. But now I don't have a boyfriend, and even though it would be easy to say "I have a boyfriend," that would be a lie. And unfortunately, a lie is a lie is a lie. And I don't want that. It's a sin.

But it's not that hard for me to say no. Actually, it's not hard at all. I just say no. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for my heart to just be changed from thinking I need a boyfriend and just any ol' hot guy. But I have no desire to be dating anyone. And it's wonderful. Seriously, I'm just like uck. I only have a desire for one, right man to come into my life. God's changing my dreams to God-size dreams, and I'm lovin' it. Absolutely, positively lovin' it.

I need and want something more than a church-going, Bible-readin', prayin' believer. There's going to be a radical guy. I just know it. I just gotta wait.

7pm

I went to a Casting Crowns concert last night. It was absolutely AMAZING! No other words to describe. It was just awesome! They are rockin'! So is Building 429!

It's so weird because I was suppose to go with my friend Sara and her chruch. Well, Sara's car sadly broke down. I felt so bad that she couldn't go. Her church still picked me up though. It wasn't even uncomfortable even though I only knew her mom. But if she would have been there I probably would not have spent so much time with a girl named, Elizabeth.

Well, for a while I had been thinking I wanted to work with youth. But I kept thinking that I wasn't really good enough and it makes me nervous anyhow. And those who have never really strayed would be better, etc etc. Well I went to talk to the pastor of my new church just days ago. I had been praying about it a little bit, but I definitely don't want to do anything I'm not suppose to. Well, he mentioned me working with youth. And I was like YEAH! I'm going back in to talk to him in about a week, but I started praying about it. And sometimes I'm not real good with answers. So I was like can I have sort of a big answer, something where I know what it is because I really don't want to do anything outside of Your will.

Well, all this leads to the night of the concert. In the van I was sitting by a girl, whom I thought was a little older than she actually was. She was 14 going on 15. My answer. I knew her for a total of about 10 minutes, and she started confiding in me. I was like wow, this is good. Good practice. Kids are so funny. She acted all night like I was 14. Basically, I ran around with her like I was.

She has the exact same mind set that I had when I was that age. And the same exact mind set as any other 14 girl I've talked too. Now I'm praying that God will help me set an example. Little kids will follow us, imitate and act like us. I want God to use me with these youth. It really excites me. I wish that God could teach them through me what I finally learned at 21. Because one day they are going to come to the same conclusions. And the earlier the better.

I wish my age group in my generation would rise up and live and set the example and teach and grow the younger part of our generation. Then it would be a continous cycle of young people who are living for God's name and renown. Yeah...

I have this amazing HOLD NOTHING BACK for the GLORY of GOD movement built in my head. But as little ol' me, I'm scared. Trusting God shouldn't be scary but stepping out of our comfort zone is...

baptism

i've had a lot on my mind lately. i don't think i can even write it all down right here, right now because i have to get to class soon.

but a major excitement in my life is i'm getting baptized again. i was baptized when i was seven. i barely remember it; i do know that i have the certificate. but this time it means more. i understand the reasoning more. i was extremely nervous just to tell someone. i've been thinking about it for a long time now. finally, i was like it's about GOD and not me anyhow. and who isn't going to be happy that i want this? a lady who is like my mom's age even told me that she was scared, so her and her son did it together. and she had been saved most of her life. so that was a helpful little nudge in the right direction.

my life has been a whirlwind of being half-heartedly obedient or giving none at all. finally for once in my life, i see light at the end of the tunnel, and i know i am going to live for CHRIST forever. there's a difference in my heart. a difference in my understanding, in my past, in my need, in my wants, in my desires, in my hopes, and my dreams are changing too. there's a passion inside of me, and my heartbeat is beginning to beat with GOD'S. so much closer.

i know baptism is a call to obedience. and it's an outward sign to other's, a declartion. but within me, for the first time i'm believing that i am completely forgiven. i'm not buying into satan's whispers that i can't be, or that my past is too bad. slowly but surely i'm learning to listen to GOD'S voice speaking to me. it drowns out satans. i want it for myself, so it will be physical motion. so when i think on something in the past, something that was or something that can't be, i can remember the feel of the water, remember what the pastor said, remember standing right underneath the CROSS, and remember what GOD says. but most of all i want it to show HIM i believe YOU, i trust YOU, i love YOU, here i am. and thank YOU for forgiving me.

Who I am Hates Who I've Been

I watched the proverbial sunrise
coming up over the Pacific and
you might think I'm losing my mind,
but I will shy away from the specifics...
'Cause I don't want you to know where I am
'Cause then you'll see my heart in the saddest state it's ever been

This is no place to try and live my life

Stop right there, that's exactly where I lost it
See that line, Well I never should have crossed it
Stop right there, well I never should have said that it's the very moment that
I wish that I could take back

I'm sorry for the person I became
I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change
I'm ready to try and never become that way again
'Cause who I am hates who I've been
Who I am hates who I've been

I talk to absolutely no one
Couldn't keep to myself enough
And the things bottled inside have finally begun to create so much pressure that I’ll soon blow up
I heard the reverberating footsteps
sinking up to the beating of my heart
and I was positive that unless I got myself together
I would watch me fall apart

And I can’t let that happen again

‘Cause then you’ll see my heart
in the saddest state it’s ever been
This is no place to try and live my life
Who I am hates who I've been
and who I am will take the second chance you gave me
Who I am hates who I’ve been
‘Cause who I’ve been only ever made me...

So sorry for the person I became
So sorry that it took so long for me to change
I’m ready to try and never become that way again
‘Cause who I am hates who I’ve been
Who I am hates who I’ve been
--Relient K

Radical and Recently Read

Care more than some think is wise.
Risk more than some think is safe.
Dream more than some think is practical.
Expect more than some think is possible.

the story of my life

I once was fatherless
A stranger with no hope
Your kindness wakened me
Awakened me, from my sleep

Your love it beckons deeply
A call to come and die
By grace now I will come
And take this life, take Your life

Sin has lost it's power
Death has lost it's sting
From the grave You've risen
Victoriously!

Into marvelous Light I'm running
Out of darkness, out of shame
By the cross You are the truth
You are the life, You are the way

My dead heart now is beating
My deepest stains now clean
Your breath fills up my lungs
Now I'm free, Now I'm free

Lift my hands and spin around
See the Light that I have found
Oh the marvelous Light
Marvelous Light
--Charlie Hall

something i found pretty funny

my new favorite song

You are the Lord, the Famous One, Famous One
Great is your name in all the earth
The heavens declare, you are glorious, glorious
Great is you fame in all the earth

And for all you’ve done, and yet to do
With every breath, I’m praising you
Desire of nations, and every heart
You alone are God, you alone are God

The morning star is shining through
And every eye is watching you
Revealed by nature and miracles
You are beautiful, you are beautiful
--Chris Tomlin

when traffic is backed up

I have no questions except for the same ones. I have no thoughts, except for the same ones. I have nothing insightful to say, not even semi-profound.

I did almost get ran over by a guy on a bike. And I almost walked into the men's bathroom.

Traffic was backed up on the bridge going toward Pensacola. Surprising. But a truck broke down on the side of the bridge. Which, one, made me think about my car and how blessed I am that it stills runs and is in good condition.

And two, because I had so much time, I was thinking about my break up. More than likely we're not getting back together. Okay, so probably 99%. So eventually I'm going to be over him, and I'm going to move on. So I might as well start trying harder now, right? Why not? If it's not happening ever again, then I might as well start now. It's not that easy for me to say because I really don't want to believe it. But I can't keep living in those moments. They are the past, and I've got a bright future if I'd just start looking toward it rather than behind me.

I have so many right thoughts, ideas, and motives, but I am so slow to put anything into practice.

I do have something thought provoking! I'm reading The Great Divorce. A wonderful quote is...

"If we insist on keeping Hell (or even Earth) we shall not see Heaven: if we accept Heaven we shall not be able to retain even the smallest and most intimate souvenirs of Hell."

i don't even know

the one person that i know how to talk to isn't even available in my life anymore.

and i guess there is a reason for that. because in any time of need i would run to him because he understood, was responsive, protective and loving.

now the only place to run is Jesus Christ, which He is the same and more.

but i still don't know what to do. i can't run, which is all i want to do. physically and emotionally. run. as fast and as far as i can.

... I know you have...

Have you ever wanted to be someone else
Have you ever wanted just to be someone
Have you ever wanted to reach your dreams
Have you ever wanted life to be more than it seems
I have tasted of a love so wide
That it stops all my time
I have tasted of a love so deep
That it blows my mind
Have you ever wanted to reach up and touch the sky
Have you ever wanted to pack it up and say good-bye
Have you ever wanted someone to care
Have you ever wanted someone to be there
He is sweet, He is sweet
What your looking for
Is my sweet, sweet Jesus
What You're looking for
Is my sweet Lord
--Shawn McDonald