Struggling with how to live in the now, but not yet.

If I am to be completely honest, distraught would be an understatement for how I feel. I am feeling furious at myself, for completely falling into Satan's schemes and not going on the World Race. It was pretty much the most idiotic entrapment of my life. Obvious. But one I pushed through and continued to ignore.

I still feel called to the World Race. I know that this time it will be even harder. I've never been so fearful or had so many questions in my head. The questions are brewing. How? When? My student loans? My car? Sell my stuff? My lease isn't up until November. What then? Work until a January race? Quit my job then? Wait longer? What happens when I get back? What about Orlando?

My heart is broken. And I can feel the Holy Spirit growing restless within me. I have been on my face praying about it, yet feeling and hearing absolutely nothing. So, tonight I just laid in my floor and cried.

Then one of my best friends suddenly texts me this verse and says "This is the coolest verse ever": Job 33:13-18
"Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words? For God does speak--now one way, now another--though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword."

I have been desperately wanting God to show me the big picture. He's been doing some amazing freeing of strongholds in my life. My quiet times have been out of this world. It's like He's still putting the outside, straight edge pieces of the puzzle together. However, I have not been content with that. I have been begging for Him to start putting in the middle pieces. The ones where I can begin to see the full picture. Being informed and those middle pieces brings a sense of security. It's natural to want to know what's happening in our lives. Job's frustrations had grown, and he wanted to know what was going on, the reasons he was suffering. Elihu told Job that God was trying to answer him, but he was not listening. Elihu wasn't exactly correct. God does not tell us everything we want to know for reasons of His own. Some of our greatest tests of faith come from the not knowing why or understanding. God always draws near in the midst of our questions. He's more than intent on listening and answering. I must trust in who I know God to be: forever good and forever faithful. He'll reveal to me in His perfect timing.