Jesus,

Beauty is something I've never possessed.

But something I've obsessed over.

You created beauty. I twisted it into an outward but inward selfish theme. When I look over my shoulder into the past it's chaotic. My self-worth was spinning out of control. I let the mirror define me. I begged to be good enough. I gave gifts away just to gain empty confidence. I broke Your heart and ran away. I thought someone else was going to love me, but he wasn't. And then he didn't either. And neither did the other one. Altering my mind didn't gain me love either. Wiping out judgement didn't help. Make up doesn't cover up scars, walls or pain. Snap shots of the past are replusive. The inside was starving and it was fed by the outside. I was sick. I don't want to be seen from the outside. I want the inside to be beautiful. I want to be more than skin deep. I want depth in my life. Jesus, give me back the wasted years. Show me mercy. Show me Your beauty. You're radiant. Shine in me that I may be beautiful too.

"Holy fire burn away my desires of anything that is not of You"

I'm saying "Yes, Lord."

Let there be a crushing death to self.

I'm terrified; I don't know what it will look like.

What do I give up? What do I throw off? What do I lose?

I want to go fast. I want to go at Your pace.

I want to give my passion for your mission.

How can I give my life to fulfill Your will?

"However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me-- the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace."

Moments I let slip by. Regret. Days I have let slip by. Heartbreak. Years that I have chosen the wrong path. I'm "empty handed but alive in Your hands." Speechless.

Lord, let the wrestling stop. There's moments the butterflies flutter, the blood rushes through my veins, and I hear the Holy Spirit loud and clear, yet so gentle. How can I sit there and say "No, I'm too scared?"

The God of the Universe lives in me. Jesus Christ, the Son of God with nail scared hands lives in me, is living through me.

For Your glory I have to start saying yes. Help me say yes.

Dwell richly and live lively in me.

Me and Chelsea zoomed!

 
 

After Passion 06

The Group on a roof in front of the Gaylord Arena

 

I love girls! I love little girls to older girls to old women. We are so unique! At Cracker Barrel I talk to old women all day, and most of them are so sweet!...

But my heart is set on younger girls. I think God has given me a heart for them because of where I have messed up. My heart aches for them to be different, to rise up, to learn at younger age what living for the Glory of God means.

We get so caught up in the latest fashion, coolest music, hottest guys, sweetest love movie, trendiest hair style. We get entangled and then we start to fall. The latest fashion becomes short Hollister skirts, coolest music says, "I wanna la la in the kitchen on the floor," the hottest guys break you down, break in, and then break your heart, the movies leave you longing for something you can't have, and the trendiest hairstyles don't make you feel any prettier. They all mess with our vunerable hearts. Staying pure is one of the hardest things in this world, but it starts with our love for our Savior. And staying pure keeps our hearts from breaking. Staying pure keeps us feeling loved by Jesus.

Wow... I'm getting off the subject.

Anyhow, so I have been praying for an opportunity to work with some young girls like middle/high school. So one of my really good friends, Sara, called me last night. She goes to the Baptist College of Florida and her friend is from Jacksonville and her church is having a Disciple Now weekend. Sara asked me if I wanted to be a leader!! I was like YEAH! I'm so excited, and suprisingly enough, not too nervous. The curriculum is on purity. So I get to hang out with some high school girls for the weekend, lead Bible study for them, and just fellowship and love on them. A girl's time to worship God and do what we do best giggle! I'm so thrilled! A slumber party for the weekend with God. You are amazing God.

Next, I went to talk to my pastor today, then he lead to me Ian, the youth pastor. And I sat down and talked with Ian. We have the same heartbeat for these kids. I was loving it! I see God's vision through him of what God wants accomplished and it is awesome. I know the want and longing to see kids lives changed! From them being mediocre, to being an 8th grader on fire. So I'm going to hang out with them during their time of worship and small groups. I'm going to be praying about where God might put me, and then go from there. I think I'll probably lead a small group, I just don't know what age. I know it is going to do so much for me, also. I am thrilled! I want to see what God is going to do to get them there, and what He is going to do in my life during this time. He is boundless.

Phew! God is so big... so there is more! Colossans 3:17 says, "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." That's what Passion is all about "Yes, Lord walking in the ways of Your truths, we wait eagerly for You, for Your name and Your renown are the desires of our souls." And when I came back from Passion I didn't want and I don't want that raging fire to die. I hate the highs and lows. So living for the glory of God's grace is everyday, every moment, everything you do living it out, outloud. It's letting Christ do it through you because we can't do it. We're incapable. But anyway, so I've been taking this truth to work and really trying to let God work through me. I do my work to the best, I don't participate in gossip, conversations that aren't glorifying, etc. But I felt like there was something more. So I started praying, "What else do You want to do?" I felt like it was a person. I felt like I should invite them to church, Lifegroup or Catalyst. But I didn't know where or who. Well, today talking to Mark (my pastor) he was telling me about a girl who also works at Cracker Barrel who is about 23, with a little girl, who wanted to go but they think she was not wanting to go by herself. I was like it's Danielle!! I already talk to her at work and stuff, so it will be easy to invite her and tell her she can sit with me and all. I was thrilled!

Okay, within writing this... I got a call from Sara. That other girl's pastor got mixed up. So I won't be going to Disciple Now. I'm kind of sad. But Sara said there will be other opportunities throughout the semester. So it's okay. That was the weekend I was suppose to get baptized anyway, plus I was going to have my birthday dinner that weekend, and I have a test that following Monday. He's God what more can I say.

"i wonder what would happen if people stopped looking at the hole in me and actually saw me"-joanna harris

would they see Jesus? would they see a scared little girl? would they see a super hero? i dont know. according to romans 12:1 our bodies are temples, but there are so many rooms. rooms that we show people and those we do not. rooms where things are hidden. rooms where we hide things from ourselves. what if we opened all the doors? its too scary. people would see the empty spaces, the broken rooms, the pain in the closets and drawers as well as the pretty rooms and decorative pieces. i think my temple is still being built. i think everyone's is. there are some sections we have roped off. do we really want to stay how we are? do people see me? maybe i dont let them. i hold people back at the doors and let them look in but not come in. have we done the same with Jesus? yes, Jesus look in my life, but i say i want to change it myself. i dont know about you but i cant change the rooms, unlock the doors, untie the knots. never can. never will.

I'm famous! (Just Kidding)

Ah! It's so cool! I'm on the 268 Generation website. They have pictures up for Passion 06, and I'm in one! I was like looking at the pictures. And I was like "Hey! That is Chelsea!" And then I thought for a second (probably a spilt second) and I was like "Hey, I was looking at the history of Passion with her... Ah!! That's me!" So then I ran to get my mom!....

Okay, go to www.268generation.com

Enter-Events-Passion06-Enter-06PhotoGallery-#37-I'm wearing the green striped sweater!

Plus you can check out what Passion is all about. :)

Come and listen
Come to the water’s edge
All you who know and fear the Lord
Come and listen
Come to the water’s edge
All you who are thirsty, come

Let me tell you what He has done for me
Let me tell you what He had done for me
He has done for you
He has done for us
Come and listen
Come and listen to what He’s done

Praise our God for He is good

He has done for me
He has done for you
He has done for us

"...You are everything that is bright and clean
And You’re covering me with Your majesty
And the truest sign of grace was this
From wounded hands redemption fell down
Liberating man

But the harder I try the more clearly can I feel
The depth of our fall and the weight of it all
And so this might could be the most impossible thing
Your grandness in me making me clean

Glory, hallelujah
Glory, glory, hallelujah
So here I am, all of me
Finally everything
Wholly, wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly
I am wholly, wholly, wholly
Yours

I am full of earth and dirt and You..."

i get up and battle the day...

i don't want to be a selfish friend, daughter, sister, wife or mother.

it's finally sinking in. sinking in by the grace of God, but none the less sinking in.

i couldn't grasp the hurt in 'hanging out with guys' or having pictures with guy 'friends.' when i got back from Passion i was already breaking down, but i got to a chapter in Every Woman's Battle where God just opened my eyes and broke my heart. it was clear. and it hurt. regrets. it's like an open wound.

i'm praying that God gives me a love for His Son above anything else in my life because out of love that is going to bring undoubtable changes. next, i want a love for my future husband right under Christ. that prayer is bringing about shame in my life for things i have done. last year i thought mountains were being made out of molehills. but i had mountains in my life. i was just blinded by, to and for myself. and when you're blind, it's dark. it's bringing realizations of who i have become and the habits and careless attitudes i have formed.

i tried every which way to justify my actions, but it all came up empty. i came up empty.

i did not realize that my presence is a gift. a gift my husband wants for himself. a gift i want from him too. i didn't know he just wanted me to himself. i tried satisfying something within myself by giving so much of what is his and God's away. i just handled God's heart, myself and my husband's heart like they are made of steel, but none of us are. i've broken all of them.

you can't go back. we don't get wishes. you can't just say 'i'm sorry.' you can't heal overnight.

i keep rushing into the future. i keep thinking about a life time. i realized recently how much less stressed i am when i just take it day by day. now i'm just breaking down 24 hours to stay faithful to him and the God i love.

this has been an area of my life that has been a whirlwind. i've done all of the spinning out of control. i've had to come up with boundries that say i love God and my future husband more than myself. and i didn't just make them but i voiced them to God and my mom so i can stay accountable. there is so much freedom in obeying.

i'm not taking pictures with just guys anymore. if it's a group deal, okay. but not just to pose with guys. if i saw my husband with just girls, i'd cry.

i read that there is no point in giving guy 'friends' a hug, and they should be saved for your girl friends. i'm like yeah that is right. i love hugs!! and i can't give them away to any other man. i know my husband wants all of them. i have to save them up for the day we embrace!

there are guys that i talk to at the church. i mean they are in my life groups and at catalyst. but there is no point in me talking to them outside of church unless it has something to do with God or church. and i decided that i especially shouldn't talk to guys at night. i know as a girl i tend to lay on my bed when i'm talking and that is an intimate spot (just came to this conclusion). and by getting into any of my hopes, fears, dreams, etc... it's a huge part of me that should only be shared with my Creator, family, girl friends, and my husband.

you know what a car ride is like? you are secluded from all of your surroundings and anything can develop. i will not be in a car alone with any male.

i'm not handing out my phone number to guys who want to ask me out. one because i don't need to be talking to them. there is no reason. and i'm definitely not dating anyone. i would cry to see my future husband holding hands with or giggling with some other girl. (okay, i hope he doesn't 'giggle' but to see him make another girl laugh).

this poses the question of how am i ever going to meet a guy? yeah, i've thought it myself. but God is like "you're doing what i ask of you, trust Me."

status pt. 2

The 'status' of my love life has become something different. My love life doesn't consist of just a guy, but Jesus Christ. I'm finally letting Him love on me, and there is a difference. I'm growing closer to Him, and He is making Himself more real to me. Everything I listed Alan was to me, God is to me 7 million times more. And I realize that love relationship is making me happier than any other I've ever been in. (Duh, He's God... how could it not?) Just because I can't physically see Him doesn't mean I don't feel Him. Cool, huh?

The God I am myself around. When it comes to acting like me, I am broken down before God. He definitely sees me. Plus, He's the only one who sees into my heart.

The God I crack up with. Seriously I make jokes to God, and I think He laughs.

The God I don't mind singing in front of. Yeah, I sing loud in my car, my room or at church.

The God who wrestles with me. Okay, so not physically, and maybe it's been me who has done the wrestling, but I know He didn't quit.

The God who puts me to sleep. He's the last one I speak to.

The God who listens to my many, many problems. He hears them all because it's where I run first. He hears them basically all day, every day.

The God who says I look pretty even when I know at the moment I don't. He subtly reminds me that I am His, created in His image and that is all that counts.

The God who waited for me. He did not give up on me. He has been ever so patient with me.

The God who tells me the truth. He has given me the only Truth! And He has revealed truths inside me that I haven't wanted to face.

The God who gives the best bear hugs. He did have His arms open wide on the cross.

The God who encourages me.

The God who comforts me. He does it with the Holy Spirit, His words, my family and friends.

The God who forgives and forgives and forgives me. And who is going to keep forgiving me without cease.

The God who is patient with me. He's been patient for 21 years.

The God who keeps me safe.

He's also the God that I had hung on the cross. He was bearing all of my sin and my death. And He was separated from His Father. There's no greater hurt than that.

The God who I couldn't lie to because He already knew, but the God I tried to hide from (not possible either).

The God to whom I did things that are forgiven but irreversible.

The God I finally realized I can not live without otherwise I'm really going to die.

The God I have said repeatedly I'm sorry too.

The God who has given me grace and shown me mercy and allows me to start over with Him.

Three girls squeezing in a seat 

My God given seat buddy, Abbey! 

18,000 of us there for the Glory of God 

Think. Go. Live. Be.  

This was our "Graffiti" or art work. Pretty cool, huh? 

GLORIOUS 

Yes He is 

My family group!!! I love them! 

Louie Giglio whom I am so thankful for 

Leaders of my community group. They were awesome! 

Community group in the Hilton... Neon Blue 

Dixieland again 

Worshiping God in Dixieland 

late nite eats at Dixieland 

Dixieland 

Our hearts were crying out for Him. 

God was definitely with us!  

The silenced, passionate late nite for and with GOD (those are candles... it was beautiful) 

Chris Tomlin leading worship 

Beth Moore on sowing seeds even if we aren't going to see the harvest. 

Me and Chelsea 

History of Passion 

Christen, Bobby, Matt, JR, Jessica and Scott