i get up and battle the day...

i don't want to be a selfish friend, daughter, sister, wife or mother.

it's finally sinking in. sinking in by the grace of God, but none the less sinking in.

i couldn't grasp the hurt in 'hanging out with guys' or having pictures with guy 'friends.' when i got back from Passion i was already breaking down, but i got to a chapter in Every Woman's Battle where God just opened my eyes and broke my heart. it was clear. and it hurt. regrets. it's like an open wound.

i'm praying that God gives me a love for His Son above anything else in my life because out of love that is going to bring undoubtable changes. next, i want a love for my future husband right under Christ. that prayer is bringing about shame in my life for things i have done. last year i thought mountains were being made out of molehills. but i had mountains in my life. i was just blinded by, to and for myself. and when you're blind, it's dark. it's bringing realizations of who i have become and the habits and careless attitudes i have formed.

i tried every which way to justify my actions, but it all came up empty. i came up empty.

i did not realize that my presence is a gift. a gift my husband wants for himself. a gift i want from him too. i didn't know he just wanted me to himself. i tried satisfying something within myself by giving so much of what is his and God's away. i just handled God's heart, myself and my husband's heart like they are made of steel, but none of us are. i've broken all of them.

you can't go back. we don't get wishes. you can't just say 'i'm sorry.' you can't heal overnight.

i keep rushing into the future. i keep thinking about a life time. i realized recently how much less stressed i am when i just take it day by day. now i'm just breaking down 24 hours to stay faithful to him and the God i love.

this has been an area of my life that has been a whirlwind. i've done all of the spinning out of control. i've had to come up with boundries that say i love God and my future husband more than myself. and i didn't just make them but i voiced them to God and my mom so i can stay accountable. there is so much freedom in obeying.

i'm not taking pictures with just guys anymore. if it's a group deal, okay. but not just to pose with guys. if i saw my husband with just girls, i'd cry.

i read that there is no point in giving guy 'friends' a hug, and they should be saved for your girl friends. i'm like yeah that is right. i love hugs!! and i can't give them away to any other man. i know my husband wants all of them. i have to save them up for the day we embrace!

there are guys that i talk to at the church. i mean they are in my life groups and at catalyst. but there is no point in me talking to them outside of church unless it has something to do with God or church. and i decided that i especially shouldn't talk to guys at night. i know as a girl i tend to lay on my bed when i'm talking and that is an intimate spot (just came to this conclusion). and by getting into any of my hopes, fears, dreams, etc... it's a huge part of me that should only be shared with my Creator, family, girl friends, and my husband.

you know what a car ride is like? you are secluded from all of your surroundings and anything can develop. i will not be in a car alone with any male.

i'm not handing out my phone number to guys who want to ask me out. one because i don't need to be talking to them. there is no reason. and i'm definitely not dating anyone. i would cry to see my future husband holding hands with or giggling with some other girl. (okay, i hope he doesn't 'giggle' but to see him make another girl laugh).

this poses the question of how am i ever going to meet a guy? yeah, i've thought it myself. but God is like "you're doing what i ask of you, trust Me."