you can breathe

Ok seriously. I was like GOD I AM almost 22!! I'm at my prime! I'm only going down hill from there. Haha, but I'm not. And deep down I know it.

I went to Rocky Bayou, so of course all the girls studied "wifeology" and I think I was the only one who didn't. Maybe because I started there my 11th grade year. I dunno. Maybe that is why the majority of my class and the class under me is married or getting.

But God is teaching me more than ever right now. And I'm becoming myself, so that I can only be the wife and mother God wants me and expects me to be.

Well, I feel a little better because in class today we were talking about marriage. One, do not cohabitate. I got out of that situation. Two, most men get married at about 27 and most women at 25. So I'm like YEAH! I'm normal! And I learned older is better anyway!! And three, finish school. I'll be done at 24.

(So thanks for the reminder Lord!!) I'm doing just fine. :)

SCREAM

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
'Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me

I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream
--ZoeGirl

"You Didn't Complete Me (When The One Turns Out to be Just Someone)"

You know you have a good book in your hands when you read 7 chapters in one afternoon, and you would have read more except there is a thing called time and sleep.

All girls who have been through a break up... I recommend this book. Yep!

You will laugh, and then cry, and then laugh somemore and then probably cry again... page by page.

But she gets it. Every emotion. Every thought. Every fear. Every thing.

And I'm not even quite finished with the book.

A non-reader will become a reader.

me

..."You've been running as fast as you can...

You've been looking for a place you can land...

For so long..."

completeness

I am so incredibly happy with life. For the first time ever I really do feel complete. I feel as though I'm finally, truly heading in the right direction. And my life isn't perfect, but when I lay down at night all I feel is peace. The major decisions that I have been making lately are right because they are the one's God has been waiting on me to choose. He's righting my wrongs by writing over them with His Name and Blood. I've been back and forth, good and bad so many times. But this time there is a change in the wind. I can feel it, and it's unexplainable. It's just something I know. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My heart was the most empty it's ever been, and now it feels the fullest it's ever felt. I've never let go or said no to my fleshy desires. But now I have, and am, and I know I can. There is such a difference between happiness and joy. I have had happy moments, but they are fleeting. Now at any moment I can say God? And everything I know is going to be okay. God's thoughts are so drastically different from my own. I want to think, talk, walk and love like Christ. I might then start to accept what He has for me quicker, rather than wrestling first. I want the attitude, I need the attitude of Christ. I wish those I love could understand, even if just a little, this concept of God. The fact that everything they desire, want and need is solely in Him. It breaks my heart, and I do ache for a couple of select people in my life. I just want them to say yes. We all run until we can't run any further, so why not stop now and saves ourselves from the pain?

"It is a safe thing to trust Him to fulfill the desires which He creates." --Amy Carmichael

Awe

Someone told me this today, and it's probably one of the sweetest things ever said to me.

"What I do know is you're too nice a person to let someone walk all over you whenever they feel like it. And maybe one day you'll look elsewhere, and when you do I hope that I'm nearby."

Blue Skies and Sunny Days

The weather is gorgeous! I love it! The cold weather makes me want to move up north. Not too far... still the south. It gives me warm fuzzies! This weather is the best! If weather could be like this all year around... ::sigh:: How wonderful would that be?...

Quote of the Day

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."

Starting Over...

Maybe no one in your life will understand our decision to set our life aside for our future husband. But we can't let the irritated comments or uncomprehending stares of the world around us deter us from our goal.

And you think, "Set aside now? I'm long gone from being 'set apart.'" But God says it's never too late. That is why I titled it "starting over..." I'm starting over from catastrophe. God can and will forgive anything. He'll make life brand new.

choosing God's story for us

"The life of every man is a diary in which he means to write one story, and writes another; and his humblest hour is when he compares the volume it is with what he vowed to make it."

Why do we so often do this? And over and over again at that! I have chosen God's story because I am tired of comparing the life that I could have been living to the one I was living. As hard as it is at moments to not get ahead of God and not start writing our own story, it's not as hard as living with consequences.

I'm almost 22 and finally learning from my mistakes.

moments

Missing someone isn't about how long it's been since you've seen them or the amount of time since you've talked... it's about that very moment when you're doing something and you wish that they were right there with you.

Take it as it comes...

"God guarantees your daily bread, but He does not guarantee it will be buttered."

"YOU make all things new"

Proverbs 31:12 "She does [her husband] good and not evil all the days of her life."

ALL the days of her life? What have I done?

Regret sets it.

I have not spared any part of myself. I've given my hopes, dreams, even baby names away. I've given my whole heart to what felt like true intimacy, but what was counterfiet. Only God can unbreak my heart. My Prince is the only one who can give me new hopes and dreams that I will keep locked away between the two of us until my Prince is ready for me to share these with another man.

when you feel as though you can't go on...

For the ones who can't break the addictions and chains

You try to give up but you come back again

Just remember that you're not alone in your shame

And your suffering

There is hope for the helpless

Rest for the weary

Love for the broken heart

There is grace and forgiveness

Mercy and healing

He'll meet you wherever you are

Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus

By: Third Day

the way i'm so powerless

i can't change people. i can't change situations. i can only pray.

a girl's vunerability, we are like porcelain

"Our Prince, Jesus Christ, does not approach us with a 'temporary relationship' mentality. He does not flirt with us, spend a little time with us to see how compatiable we are, try us out for a weekend, then dump us Monday morning. He does not stick with us for 5 or 10 years, then decide the relationship has gotten stale and leave us for someone else. His love is unconditional. It is not based on our performance, our perfection. It is not based on fleeting emotion or feeling. It is based on His choice, His decision to be completely faithful to us no matter what-- even at the expense of His own blood."

Calvary love is enough to sustain me for eternity.

God Calling

I started reading my God Calling book on August 7th. But I accidently started reading July 7th instead, not realizing this until the 12th of August.

July 7th said something I needed to hear at that time. God works in mysterious ways.

"Help and peace and joy are here. Your courage will be rewarded. Painful as this time is you will both one day see the reason of it, and see too that it was not cruel testing, but tender preparation for the wonderful life-work you are both to do. Try to realize that your own prayers are being most wonderfully answered. Answered in a way that seems painful to you, but that just now is the only way. Success in the temporal world would not satisfy you. Great success, in both the temporal and spiritual worlds, awaits you. I know you will see this had to be. "

"i am not, but i know I AM"

My entire life I have tried to be the star in God's story. I was brought to a humbling place this morning... I am not the star! My life is not about me, not about my degree, my future marriage, my anything. My life is about God. My entire existence is meant to glorify God and God alone. Every morning that I wake up I want to be able to say, "How may I glorify the Star today?" I want to lift Him up. He has given me the priviledge of being a 'supporting actor;' He is allowing me to be part of the story. But I am not, He is.

Matthew 18:20

It's so cool because I was trying to think of a verse... the one about "if two or more gather in my name..." But I did not know what it was. Then later in the night I picked up a book God Calling which I read every couple of days. Well, I was just curious as to what November 16th said (because it's my brothers birthday)... it was that verse.

God's so niffy! :)

"Treat him like a substance"

"When you develop an addictive behavior, you often don't even realize it. You justify its presence in your life with makeshift rationalizations."

For so long I didn't even recognize the void in my life. I didn't think I had any addictions. I didn't need any type of substance, but I did desperately think I needed a relationship. I had a hole in my heart, and I thought my relationship would satisfy it. Now my heart is whole because I found the One who does satisfy it.

I was clinging desperately to this relationship for my confidence, security, and comfort. I didn't even realize it. I didn't realize what kind of hinderance I was putting on the relationship. A mere human can not fill a God size hole; he can't take on responsibility that is not his. I had no faith that God would and could fill me. And all the while, if I would have trusted I could have been saved from heartbreak and spared a friendship.

I can not look to anyone except Christ to fulfill my deepest needs. I can not cling desperately to relationships for my confidence or security. And my reason for living is not in my future marriage but in my relationship with Jesus Christ.

Splendid

Every person ever has to download:

I'll Fly Away- Jars of Clay (their version is awesome)

Gravity- Shawn McDonald

him

all of my surroundings, they all remind me of him. i feel as though i can't move a muscle without something or someone or some where reminding me of him. it's colors. it's food. it's smells. it's my own car. it's clothes. it's music. it's restraunts. it's sounds. it's words. it's places. it's sights. even my own bedroom.

how do you let go when you've spent 6 years with one person?

i don't dwell. i try. but things come up.

i don't understand why God can't help my thoughts and emotions a little more.

A newborn chick doesn't know its alive until its world begins to crumble. What seems like the collapse of your universe may be just an exciting beginning.

Hebrews 11:1 "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen."

held

... if hope is born of suffering

if this is only the beginning

can we not wait for one hour

watching for our savior

this is what it is to be held

how it feels

when the sacred is torn from your life

and you survive

this is what it means

to be loved and to know

that the promise was when everything failed

we'd be held...

Sweet tea. It just makes me sad.

"Romantic attachments are an insidious thing. We derive tremendous pleasure from them for a season but long after the fling is over we find that these romantic attachments have glued themselves to our souls and refuse to leave our heart and imagination."