I’ve denied Him.

I’ve cheated on Him.

I’ve spit on Him.

I’ve drug His name through the mud.

I’ve questioned Him.

I’ve ran from Him.

I’ve hid from Him.

I’ve said no to Him.

I’ve been angry with Him.

He’s never said I’m through.

He’s never said I’m done.

He’s never said I can’t handle you anymore.

He’s never let me go.

He’s never been unfaithful.

He’s never given up.

He’s never hid His face from me.

He’s never broken my heart.

He’s never stopped loving me.

Now, I’m in love with Him.

the unlovable.

The unlovable are human. The unlovable are broken. The unlovable are anguished-filled.

The unlovable are unable to satisfy their deepest need—to be loved. Unconditionally.

The unlovable search. The unlovable settle. The unlovable give their heart away. The unlovable accept cheap love. Distorted love.

The unlovable are malicious. The unlovable are selfish. The unlovable are filled with rage. The unlovable have anger ripping out their insides.

The unlovable are sick. The unlovable are helpless. Defenseless. The unlovable are weak. The unlovable are miserable.

The unlovable have a lost love in their childhood. They’ve been abused. They’re missing something. The unlovable feel shame.

I am a recovering unlovable.

I never understood real joy. Constant joy. I had “mountain top” Christian experiences. I don’t doubt my salvation at the age of 7. I believed and had a relationship with Christ, but it was through a thick piece of glass. I could always see Him, but never touch Him. I knew God loved me because of the Cross, but I never allowed him to love on me. And when you don’t feel loved… you have nothing to give.

How can someone go a quarter of their life without realizing how completely in love the Creator of the Universe is with them? Until you’ve been there it’s incomprehensible. I loved Christ. I desperately wanted to please Him. I wanted my life to glorify Him. I wanted to shine. But nothing I did or tried to do was worth anything. It did not have love. Love has to be the driving passion of all we do. I’ve learned this in heart-wrenching ways. I can’t even say that I grasp a 1/millionth of what He’s teaching me. But I know I’m loved. And His love is never ceasing. I find it irresistible how He shows moment by moment Love. It’s constant. It’s faithful. It’s unconditional. Never failing.

With my Savior, I know an unlovable, even me, can become lovable and loving.

Fearless

FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death because your hope is in Christ. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again… even though every time you’ve tried before, you’ve lost. FEARLESS is having faith that someday things will change. When someone apologizes to you enough for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to keep forgiving them. FEARLESS is being able to let go of your best friends and trust them to God’s plan. Letting God is FEARLESS. Patience is FEARLESS. I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. Allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Being all right is FEARLESS. Having the courage to say goodbye to people is FEARLESS, even when you feel like you can’t breathe without them. Praying with the belief that God is answering is FEARLESS. No matter what love throws at you, keep believing—that’s FEARLESS.

Love is FEARLESS.

Perfect LOVE casts our fear.

our enemy is real

The enemy has come to steal, kill, and destroy. Why is it that we are so easily blinded to his schemes?

By God’s grace he has revealed to me my weaknesses. And He is continually helping me overcome. We have to be humbled by God to admit our weakness… especially when they become a stronghold in our life. Nothing can break a stronghold. Not a person, not ourselves, not a thing, not a dream, not even a hope. Not even when we so desperately want it to be broken. It’s completely by the grace and power of Jesus Christ.
Satan kicks us when we’re down. He gets to us because he knows our weaknesses. As soon as we’re obeying God, Satan comes… to steal our joy, kill our dreams, and destroy our lives.

We can make one wrong move and it affect the rest of our life. God blesses us if we return to him after we have been deceived. But there are still consequences to every decision made.

He's the great deceiver.

Pain

Satan uses pain, I believe, as one of his greatest tools. He makes us stare into the mirror with all of our hurt and sadness. Then we unload it on the only ones we love. The ones we really don't want to hurt. We gawk at our wounds....

Rather than gazing into the eyes of our Healer.

Pain blurs our vision. Satan uses our pain so the only person we're looking at is ourselves. We lose track of where God was taking us. And what He was doing with, in and through us. Satan doesn't want us to see our Healer.

Pain makes us run to places we shouldn't. We run to people. We rush to drugs. We hurry to anything that can make us smile momentarily. It seems to ease the pain. The anguish in our heart subsides for a short while. But when the moment is gone, the hurt is still there.

Pain makes us callous. Our wounds try to heal themselves. We become calloused to Joy. Calloused to Truth. Calloused to Love. Our Healer leaves no scars. He only leaves the mark of His life within us.

Shattered hearts.
Dreams.
Wounds that were made by those we love.
Scrapes from being pushed down.
Cuts from our past.

We can't be healed until we admit our disease. We can't be healed until we're totally broken and surrendered. We can't be healed except by Him. Jesus. The Healer. Restorer. Our Love.

<3

i have to choose to love.

Jesus-- be my obsession.

Sara

Something brought you to my mind today
i thought about the funny ways you make me laugh
And yet i feel like it's okay to cry with you
something about just being with you
when i leave i feel like i've been near God
And that's the way it ought to be

cause you've been more than a friend to me
you fight off my enemies
cause you've spoken the Truth over my life
and you'll never know what it means to me
just to know you've been on your knees for me
oh, you have blessed my life
More than you'll ever know

you had faith, when i had none
you prayed God would bring me a brand new song
when i didn't think i could find the strength to sing
and all the while i'm hoping that i'll
do the kind of praying for you that you've done for me
and that's the way it ought to be

you have carried me
you have taken upon a burden that wasn't your own
and may the blessing return to you
a hundredfold


---Watermark

i've realized that in the quietest moments of my soul... during unplanned prayer... during true worship... when i begin to lose myself... God is there... listening.

some of my greatest answered prayers haven't necessarily been when i was on my face, but in moments of weakness and desperation. in the moments i realized i need Him and only Him.

A Prayer Tea

I went to a Muslim womens prayer tea today. I have never been to a tea party, but I have always had that desire since I was a little girl. This was much more than drinking tea and conversing. We were honoring my best friend, Sara and her two teammates Ally and Katie. We wore head coverings and had a prayer rug. They pray 5 times a day in 5 positions each time. I have no idea how they get anything done! It's all about ritual.
1. Hands by their sides
2. Hands over their ears
3. Bent at the waist with hands on their knees
4. On their knees, face to the floor
5. Sitting up still sitting on the floor

Muslim women are treated like scum of the earth by the men. When they have daughters, they are the outcast. They are shunned. Women rarely go to the mosque to pray. They aren't allowed to pray during their monthly cycle or if they have had a baby because they are considered unclean. Sometimes I don't think I'll make it through my cycle without prayer! Muslim women have less access to the gospel than anyone else in the world. If they become Christian they could possibly be killed. My heart was completely broken, especially because I know that women hold a special place in God's heart. I was just looking at the pictures of these Muslim women and thinking about how God is looking at them. They have no idea their worth in Him. They have no idea they truly are beautiful. They don't know that veil can be taken off. They have no idea what He sees when He looks at them with His heart of compassion. They don't feel loved like I do. They are a princess of the King of Kings.

Islam is the fastest growing religion in the world. Not only is there only 1 Christian missionary for every 1,000,000 Muslims, but the missionaries face a lot of obstacles. The biggest one being if they share the Gospel, and the Muslim accepts... the Muslim's life will be in great danger.

How sad is it that a Muslim can never be sure of earning enough merit. The only guaranteed path to Paradise is to die a martyr’s death for Islam. I love knowing and being sure that Christ's death covered my sins. I learned there are similiar parallels in Christianity and Islam, but there are EXTREME differences. Opposite teachings.
For instance:
Bible: Men, love your wife as Christ loves the church.
Quran: Men, you can beat your wife into submission.

The Muslim world covers much of the entire world... North Africa, Middle East, Central Asia and the Pacific Rim. We need to pray for workers. Oral forms of the Gospel. Barriers broken down. Trust built between Christians and Muslims. The fleeing of darkness. Softening of hearts. A spread of Jesus name.

broken <3s

Binding up the broken hearted is one of Jesus' greatest priorities...

Holding Hands

"If the Lord delights in a man's way,
he makes his steps firm;
though he stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with his hand.
I was young and now I am old,
yet I have never seen the righteous forsaken
or their children begging bread."
--Psalm 37:23-25

Today I woke up too late to attend my regular church, but without doubt God wanted me at Mosaic. The message was about my greatest fear: the future. I've always had a "plan" for everything. Right now God has taken everything except for His Word and His hand. I've realized that when He holds my hand the tightest is when He's leading me through the dark. Right now, I'm applying for Journeyman, but I don't really know what is going to happen. I don't know when or where or even how. I just know what He's asked of me. Then I think if I do go, it's for 2 years. What happens when I come back? I go through these bouts of doubt. He never fails to calm my storm, whether it's sprinkling or raging.

So, if the Lord delights in a man's way (doing God's will)... He makes his steps firm. I'm stepping on solid ground that is leading me toward light. Toward joy. Toward fulfillment. Toward Jesus Christ, himself.

"When a man dies, will he come back to life?
If so, I would wait all the days of my struggle
until my relief comes."
--Job 14:14


Thank goodness the loss of something or someone never has to mean the end of an abundant, effective or even joyful life for any Christian. These may seem to pause for a moment as grief takes it course. But those who allow their broken heart to be bound by Christ will experience them again. Our Savior is the God of resurrection life... no matter what kind of death has occured to a believer. When our hearts have been shattered by loss and saddness we have the opportunity to welcome a super natural power to live again on this earth when we'd rather die.

Missions. I've realized that nothing else is going on in our world except for God's unstoppable plan. I've been given a chance to die. Die to the world. Die to my selfish dreams. Die to earthly treasures. Die to my plans and my ideas. But He's given me life and with a new life comes death of the old. A chance to live for Heaven, live for His dreams, live for His treasures... and live His plan for my life.

He has hung onto me so tightly. When I look back I ask, "Jesus, why didn't you just give up a long time ago?" His love for me is incomprehensible. There are so many people who are searching and wondering and needing a Savior. Yet He has revealed Himself to me.

... He chose me.

I can never get away from that truth. No matter how far I run or even where I try to hide. It doesn't matter if I say no for two years, two million times. His plan won't be stopped. So my relentless God pursuing me... what is it that He's asking of me? Love and obedience. They go hand in hand.

Right now obedience for me is saying Yes, God. It's saying here I am... send me! My heart is stirred by international missions. It beats for the unreached. It's not that my heart isn't scared or even confused about how it's ever going to work or when or where... I have questions. I cry out of fear. I worry. But He gives me new strength... holding me up with His nail-scared hands... leading me on the path He has chosen. The path that leads to love. To joy. To fulfillment. To adventure. To life. To Him.

He's said, "My beloved, look what You have in Me. I want you to go... share life. Share my life. I've given you life... pour yours out. And let me love you, princess. Let me love you, so you can love others."