354 days until Passion 07
I was like "Oh I can't wait to write about Passion after the fact." I knew it was going to be something spectacular. I knew the presence of GOD was going to be GREAT. I knew I was going to change, grow, come back happier. But I did not know the magnitude of it all. You can see pictures, listen to the Passion cd, look at the website everyday, hear other's stories, but until it is experienced it's nothing to be fathomed. Everyone kept saying it's a glimpse of Heaven. If it's only a glimpse, my entire being has yet to grasp Heaven. We hear there's no tears in Heaven, you're not sad, you can have everything you have ever wanted, etc, but right now that means nothing to me. I just want to see Jesus, His face. I want to hug him forever. I want to stay with Him, literally sit at His feet. I think there will be tears because I cry when I get really happy. To be more than happy, I can't imagine. I have never experienced GOD and unity with the body of Christ like I did at Passion. Everyday of my life I am seeking to experience Him like that. Unfortunately everyday life doesn't consist literally of the leaders that were at Passion, the worship and songs. Life is minus waking up and going to family groups, breakouts and late nights. I am for sure going back next year!! But I realized that I can see GOD everyday like at Passion if I just open my eyes, ears and heart. I can feel Him like that in my daily activities. I just have to be watching and waiting for Him. He's going to reveal Himself best in His Word, prayer, silence and my service to others.
I learned so much at Passion. I learned from the presence of GOD, from the people I was with, from the people I met, from the worship leaders, from speakers, everything.
I know I came home with a different attitude toward worship. I continually prayed before and while I was there for focus. I just wanted to focus on GOD. I wanted to truly worship in Spirit and in Truth. That happened for me by the grace of GOD. I'm coming back to the heart of worship, I can sing in truth now. I realized I am coming before GOD telling Him what I think of Him. When I got back to church during praise I didn't feel so dry or robotic. When I was singing "Lift my hands and spin around..." I did. And I'm showing GOD, You are making me complete, thank You. I am having fun with Him. I can't sing, seriously. I love to sing. But I sing quietly. Not anymore. I sing loud. He created this voice and loves it. Wow! While on this subject, I had never been in a building with 17,999 other people. And singing and clapping at that! The sound of it is seriously indescribable. I just closed my eyes and sang and listen and thought about the people and angels in Heaven rejoicing with us, and GOD on His throne with this beautiful smile upon His face. I'll never forget this image.. I opened my eyes and looked around everyone had their hands above their heads clapping for God's glory. I was like whoa!!!! I was just shaking my head and thinking this is one of the coolest things I have ever heard and seen. Matt Redman was leading worship and he said for the daughters of the King to sing, oh how pretty! I loved hearing our voices. Then he had the sons of the King sing and it was just as pretty! It was so cool to hear men's voices singing to the GOD of the universe. We sing the song of the redeemed.
Next, friends or lack there of is a huge part of my life. Ever since high school I have been lacking friends. I mean I have a couple, but one of them is married, one is away at school, etc. I don't really have anyone to fellowship with. I've always been uncomfortable around a lot of "church" kids because I have quite a history. I'm always scared they will be judgmental. And not all girls take to me for some reason. Well I randomly asked if I could go with Hillcrest Baptist Church not knowing anyone. So for months I was nervous about going on this trip, but my wanting to go outweighed that fear. Plus I prayed and prayed that I would be comfortable, and I would be able to make friends. I need some good friends. I always knew what I wanted in a friend, but I kept making the wrong ones. I want friends who love God like I do. Those who see the bigger picture. Those who strive for holiness. Those who are open, and who lift me and others up. Well as soon as I got to Hillcrest Sunday morning I started meeting people. They were so loving and so open. And some have "history" too! They aren't judgmental. They included me in everything, invited me around town or to sit with them in the main sessions, etc. I felt like I had been in their group for years. They've invited me on Tuesday nights to Catalyst. It's something I needed for a while. I need some friends who will keep me accountable, those who I can process life with. I can share GOD and His works with. People who understand me. And I need people I can too can give myself too by serving them and being a listener, an encourager. I thank GOD for Hillcrest, Jeff, Jennifer and that ministry. God can fulfill us, but He created us to fellowship with our brothers and sisters. I just came to the conclusion of how important that is. We broke up into community groups of hundreds of people. I was neon blue! Then we broke up into family groups of 8. It was so easy to be with them and talk to them. It was awesome to meet others and process what GOD was doing. We got to bounce off each other. GOD created PASSION and all of it's concepts including family groups. He knows exactly what we need.
My life has been bad with the wrong friends, drinking, drugs, clubs, parties, guys. I realized what it was that got me into all that stuff. I wasn't addicted to any of it. I was addicted to attention. I am. I was screaming for someone to love me. And GOD was the only One truly listening to me, and the only One who really wanted too. But I didn't let Him.
Beth Moore talked about being in the pit. And no child of GOD belongs in the pit. But I was making it my home. I was thrown into a pit, and I didn't even know I was there like that. And I learned once you've been thrown in you will start slipping or jumping in. My home life has thrown me in. And I started slipping in the last school year. I didn't mean for so much to happen. I had no idea. I thought I was going to hang out, party a little, but still keep good grades you know, be a "normal" college student. But I slipped in and kept going and going and then finally GOD pulled me out. Then I jumped right back in and I know exactly when that happened. I couldn't get out, but He knew my heart and how desperately I wanted out. So once again He pulled me up. Now I realize how sick I was in that pit. I've tasted GOD and His life and the one that He hs given me. I don't want any part of that pit. I don't even want to see the edge of it. Not even in the distance.
I know what leads me to the pit. I know what I am lured by. I've always known but never willing to admit it. Finally, I have told my mom, THIS is my weakness, help me. Because I don't want part of it! I don't. I want to stay with Christ. I don't want to go back to the place of emptiness where everyday you wish were your last. If there was no GOD I would be on the road to destruction still if not already dead. I can't believe He still chose me. I could never say I love life. But I do. And more than that, there's a greater life after this. Jesus has given it to me. I have this life now. What am I going to do with it? I hope only to live for the glory of God's grace. I want to be so radical. I want to help Christ to alter history. I want to be used. I want others to know His love and goodness, His Life. The life He breathes into us. I want people to think 'that girl is out of her mind, she's crazy about Jesus. So maybe he's real?' 'Why does she always have a smile on her face?' ETC. I want to be more outspoken. God's definitely working on my speaking skills this semester, lots of presentations. At Passion I was basically forced to talk aloud in groups. And a biggy for me... pray aloud! My goal is to be the type of person who can walk up to someone and say "Hey! Can I share something with you?" I want to be that bold. I want this to be a short term goal.
Whew, okay so I have gone on typing. I also learned more of Christ sufferings, and about my sufferings. You know the difference is Christ was alone, and in our sufferings, He's there. He is. So why do we get frustrated? Why do we give up? Why do I give up? Suffering is a part of our life. But GOD is with us. Big issue and question: GOD ordained sin? Huh? I am still thinking about it. John Piper was awesome, but some of it did go over my head. I had to pay close, close attention. Beth Moore, easy to understand. She was in Africa, and she found out that the adults eat the seeds rather than planting them to see the harvest and people able to feeds so many more people. She talked about how we do the same thing. We read our Bibles, go to Bible studies, go to conferences, etc but we eat the seed. We don't go out sowing. I want to be a sower of the Word. Something that scared me was she said whatever you sow you will reap and that is a PROMISE! Well, I have sown a lot of bad seeds. A lot. I don't know if I have yet to see all the consequences, but she said we could pray for mercy. I've never really prayed directly like that for mercy but at that moment I did. I never really thought about all that I have sown not in that sort of sense at least. She said too that we need to sow seeds that we might not even see the harvest too. We need to sow into eternity. Louie Giglio spoke of GOD's HUGENESS, GRANDNESS, GREATNESS, His creativity, etc. When I think of the universe I think of our solar system. But we are like a an ant on the sun compared to the size, okay a flea on the sun compared to the size of the universe. I seriously did not realize just how big it is. And I know I probably still don't get it. Okay not probably, I don't. It's nothing to rap your mind around. It's that part of GOD that is creative and mysterious and keeps us praying GOD show me this!! It was so awesome these galaxies and size comparisons that Louie showed us. I really didn't know all of this. I'm majoring in elementary education now, and it's not a typical ministry job. So I've been a little concerned. But through Louie, GOD said that is okay. He wants everyone doing something different. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus." It has given me a whole new perspective. And as a hostess at Cracker Barrel I'm like how can I witness, but now I know what is one of the ways. I need to work fully and to the best of my ability.
GOD IS AWESOME. That is so cliche. But He is. We need a new word to describe God to the best of our minute minds. It needs to be a mixture of holy, great, wonderful, awesome, immense, beautiful, grand, breathtaking, overwhelming, remarkable, tremendous, humbling, etc etc. A word kind of like supercalifradulisticexpelidocious.
I've been typing a while and my hands are starting to hurt. Plus I have to go some homework. Seriously, because of the glory of God. Now my actions, thoughts, choices, words are based around that.
I can't do GOD's greatness justice by my mouth.
I learned so much at Passion. I learned from the presence of GOD, from the people I was with, from the people I met, from the worship leaders, from speakers, everything.
I know I came home with a different attitude toward worship. I continually prayed before and while I was there for focus. I just wanted to focus on GOD. I wanted to truly worship in Spirit and in Truth. That happened for me by the grace of GOD. I'm coming back to the heart of worship, I can sing in truth now. I realized I am coming before GOD telling Him what I think of Him. When I got back to church during praise I didn't feel so dry or robotic. When I was singing "Lift my hands and spin around..." I did. And I'm showing GOD, You are making me complete, thank You. I am having fun with Him. I can't sing, seriously. I love to sing. But I sing quietly. Not anymore. I sing loud. He created this voice and loves it. Wow! While on this subject, I had never been in a building with 17,999 other people. And singing and clapping at that! The sound of it is seriously indescribable. I just closed my eyes and sang and listen and thought about the people and angels in Heaven rejoicing with us, and GOD on His throne with this beautiful smile upon His face. I'll never forget this image.. I opened my eyes and looked around everyone had their hands above their heads clapping for God's glory. I was like whoa!!!! I was just shaking my head and thinking this is one of the coolest things I have ever heard and seen. Matt Redman was leading worship and he said for the daughters of the King to sing, oh how pretty! I loved hearing our voices. Then he had the sons of the King sing and it was just as pretty! It was so cool to hear men's voices singing to the GOD of the universe. We sing the song of the redeemed.
Next, friends or lack there of is a huge part of my life. Ever since high school I have been lacking friends. I mean I have a couple, but one of them is married, one is away at school, etc. I don't really have anyone to fellowship with. I've always been uncomfortable around a lot of "church" kids because I have quite a history. I'm always scared they will be judgmental. And not all girls take to me for some reason. Well I randomly asked if I could go with Hillcrest Baptist Church not knowing anyone. So for months I was nervous about going on this trip, but my wanting to go outweighed that fear. Plus I prayed and prayed that I would be comfortable, and I would be able to make friends. I need some good friends. I always knew what I wanted in a friend, but I kept making the wrong ones. I want friends who love God like I do. Those who see the bigger picture. Those who strive for holiness. Those who are open, and who lift me and others up. Well as soon as I got to Hillcrest Sunday morning I started meeting people. They were so loving and so open. And some have "history" too! They aren't judgmental. They included me in everything, invited me around town or to sit with them in the main sessions, etc. I felt like I had been in their group for years. They've invited me on Tuesday nights to Catalyst. It's something I needed for a while. I need some friends who will keep me accountable, those who I can process life with. I can share GOD and His works with. People who understand me. And I need people I can too can give myself too by serving them and being a listener, an encourager. I thank GOD for Hillcrest, Jeff, Jennifer and that ministry. God can fulfill us, but He created us to fellowship with our brothers and sisters. I just came to the conclusion of how important that is. We broke up into community groups of hundreds of people. I was neon blue! Then we broke up into family groups of 8. It was so easy to be with them and talk to them. It was awesome to meet others and process what GOD was doing. We got to bounce off each other. GOD created PASSION and all of it's concepts including family groups. He knows exactly what we need.
My life has been bad with the wrong friends, drinking, drugs, clubs, parties, guys. I realized what it was that got me into all that stuff. I wasn't addicted to any of it. I was addicted to attention. I am. I was screaming for someone to love me. And GOD was the only One truly listening to me, and the only One who really wanted too. But I didn't let Him.
Beth Moore talked about being in the pit. And no child of GOD belongs in the pit. But I was making it my home. I was thrown into a pit, and I didn't even know I was there like that. And I learned once you've been thrown in you will start slipping or jumping in. My home life has thrown me in. And I started slipping in the last school year. I didn't mean for so much to happen. I had no idea. I thought I was going to hang out, party a little, but still keep good grades you know, be a "normal" college student. But I slipped in and kept going and going and then finally GOD pulled me out. Then I jumped right back in and I know exactly when that happened. I couldn't get out, but He knew my heart and how desperately I wanted out. So once again He pulled me up. Now I realize how sick I was in that pit. I've tasted GOD and His life and the one that He hs given me. I don't want any part of that pit. I don't even want to see the edge of it. Not even in the distance.
I know what leads me to the pit. I know what I am lured by. I've always known but never willing to admit it. Finally, I have told my mom, THIS is my weakness, help me. Because I don't want part of it! I don't. I want to stay with Christ. I don't want to go back to the place of emptiness where everyday you wish were your last. If there was no GOD I would be on the road to destruction still if not already dead. I can't believe He still chose me. I could never say I love life. But I do. And more than that, there's a greater life after this. Jesus has given it to me. I have this life now. What am I going to do with it? I hope only to live for the glory of God's grace. I want to be so radical. I want to help Christ to alter history. I want to be used. I want others to know His love and goodness, His Life. The life He breathes into us. I want people to think 'that girl is out of her mind, she's crazy about Jesus. So maybe he's real?' 'Why does she always have a smile on her face?' ETC. I want to be more outspoken. God's definitely working on my speaking skills this semester, lots of presentations. At Passion I was basically forced to talk aloud in groups. And a biggy for me... pray aloud! My goal is to be the type of person who can walk up to someone and say "Hey! Can I share something with you?" I want to be that bold. I want this to be a short term goal.
Whew, okay so I have gone on typing. I also learned more of Christ sufferings, and about my sufferings. You know the difference is Christ was alone, and in our sufferings, He's there. He is. So why do we get frustrated? Why do we give up? Why do I give up? Suffering is a part of our life. But GOD is with us. Big issue and question: GOD ordained sin? Huh? I am still thinking about it. John Piper was awesome, but some of it did go over my head. I had to pay close, close attention. Beth Moore, easy to understand. She was in Africa, and she found out that the adults eat the seeds rather than planting them to see the harvest and people able to feeds so many more people. She talked about how we do the same thing. We read our Bibles, go to Bible studies, go to conferences, etc but we eat the seed. We don't go out sowing. I want to be a sower of the Word. Something that scared me was she said whatever you sow you will reap and that is a PROMISE! Well, I have sown a lot of bad seeds. A lot. I don't know if I have yet to see all the consequences, but she said we could pray for mercy. I've never really prayed directly like that for mercy but at that moment I did. I never really thought about all that I have sown not in that sort of sense at least. She said too that we need to sow seeds that we might not even see the harvest too. We need to sow into eternity. Louie Giglio spoke of GOD's HUGENESS, GRANDNESS, GREATNESS, His creativity, etc. When I think of the universe I think of our solar system. But we are like a an ant on the sun compared to the size, okay a flea on the sun compared to the size of the universe. I seriously did not realize just how big it is. And I know I probably still don't get it. Okay not probably, I don't. It's nothing to rap your mind around. It's that part of GOD that is creative and mysterious and keeps us praying GOD show me this!! It was so awesome these galaxies and size comparisons that Louie showed us. I really didn't know all of this. I'm majoring in elementary education now, and it's not a typical ministry job. So I've been a little concerned. But through Louie, GOD said that is okay. He wants everyone doing something different. "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus." It has given me a whole new perspective. And as a hostess at Cracker Barrel I'm like how can I witness, but now I know what is one of the ways. I need to work fully and to the best of my ability.
GOD IS AWESOME. That is so cliche. But He is. We need a new word to describe God to the best of our minute minds. It needs to be a mixture of holy, great, wonderful, awesome, immense, beautiful, grand, breathtaking, overwhelming, remarkable, tremendous, humbling, etc etc. A word kind of like supercalifradulisticexpelidocious.
I've been typing a while and my hands are starting to hurt. Plus I have to go some homework. Seriously, because of the glory of God. Now my actions, thoughts, choices, words are based around that.
I can't do GOD's greatness justice by my mouth.
posted by Holly at 2:18 PM
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