Oh, how He answers...

I've been asking God, what's next? What I am I going to be doing? What now? How? When? Where? How long? Where will I be? What will I do? Is this ever going to work? With who? So many questions I could go on and on. Especially... why won't you just answer me? You've been answering other things. I know You hear.

Then the other night He said "I love you, but I don't always answer right away, within 24 hours, or when you demand. But I do answer when I see best fit; when I know you are ready. I answer in perfect timing for you. And really the only thing you need to know and remember is that I do answer."

I reluctantly realized... better yet, reluctantly admitted, "Well, He answered me." He just said "Not right now, but don't stop seeking." This morning, at church, He answered me a little more: FAST.

I was kind of looking around like "Me?... Dad, are you speaking to the right daughter? Did you get momentarily confused? I've never fasted in my life! I don't know what to do." He was like "I'm going to teach you from those who fasted in my Word. And I will reveal to you exactly what I want."

7 days no computer. And that is just the start. I was like "Okay, 7 days next week! Phew!" He said "No, 7 days starting Today."

And that was the end of that.

Struggling with how to live in the now, but not yet.

If I am to be completely honest, distraught would be an understatement for how I feel. I am feeling furious at myself, for completely falling into Satan's schemes and not going on the World Race. It was pretty much the most idiotic entrapment of my life. Obvious. But one I pushed through and continued to ignore.

I still feel called to the World Race. I know that this time it will be even harder. I've never been so fearful or had so many questions in my head. The questions are brewing. How? When? My student loans? My car? Sell my stuff? My lease isn't up until November. What then? Work until a January race? Quit my job then? Wait longer? What happens when I get back? What about Orlando?

My heart is broken. And I can feel the Holy Spirit growing restless within me. I have been on my face praying about it, yet feeling and hearing absolutely nothing. So, tonight I just laid in my floor and cried.

Then one of my best friends suddenly texts me this verse and says "This is the coolest verse ever": Job 33:13-18
"Why do you complain to him that he answers none of man's words? For God does speak--now one way, now another--though man may not perceive it. In a dream, in a vision of the night, when deep sleep falls on men as they slumber in their beds, he may speak in their ears and terrify them with warnings, to turn man from wrongdoing and keep him from pride, to preserve his soul from the pit, his life from perishing by the sword."

I have been desperately wanting God to show me the big picture. He's been doing some amazing freeing of strongholds in my life. My quiet times have been out of this world. It's like He's still putting the outside, straight edge pieces of the puzzle together. However, I have not been content with that. I have been begging for Him to start putting in the middle pieces. The ones where I can begin to see the full picture. Being informed and those middle pieces brings a sense of security. It's natural to want to know what's happening in our lives. Job's frustrations had grown, and he wanted to know what was going on, the reasons he was suffering. Elihu told Job that God was trying to answer him, but he was not listening. Elihu wasn't exactly correct. God does not tell us everything we want to know for reasons of His own. Some of our greatest tests of faith come from the not knowing why or understanding. God always draws near in the midst of our questions. He's more than intent on listening and answering. I must trust in who I know God to be: forever good and forever faithful. He'll reveal to me in His perfect timing.

to be Your bride

Jesus,

My King! My Salvation! My Righteousness! I delight greatly in You! My soul rejoices in my God! For you have clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. You are so romantic! Thank you for being so tender toward me, and for making it your life's aim, as my Shoot and Arrow, to bind up my broken heart and bestow on me a crown of beauty instead of ashes. Thank you for making me the love of Your life. You are the restorer of dignity, virtue and honor to your daughters as the world tries to demoralize us. I thank you for dreams, so that I long for Your reality. Thank you for even my girlish dreams, so that You can show Your glory by surpassing them. You are the most handsome groom any girl could ask for! And as your bride, I want to follow you anywhere. Even places Jesus, that seem like the wilderness, for I know You always have a purpose. You sometimes lead to difficult places, but I know You are trustworthy. You, Jesus, are not a man, so You cannot lie. Nor are You a son of man, so You never change Your mind. You speak and always act. You promise and always fulfill. You say that You are enthralled by my beauty! Thank you for giving me that beauty through Your Cross. I want to honor You, Jesus. For You are my Lord! You even say, all glorious is the princess within her chamber, her gown is interwoven with gold. Oh! How we all long to be princesses! You have put that within our hearts! You tell us next, God, in embroidered garments we are led with joy and gladness to our King! You redeem us because of Your unfailing love! We can enter Your palace clothed in bright white because of Jesus' righteousness! God, that every girl would see that she is gorgeous! That she could see that You run to her. You are after her heart. You are our great Pursuer. I pray, God, that girls would begin to listen for Your voice, so they can hear You say, "How beautiful you are, my darling! Oh how beautiful!" I pray that your daughters would begin to surrender wholly to You, realizing that we are not really giving anything up. But we are gaining the Greatest thing to ever happen to us... You! God, help us to break our alabaster jars before You. We surrender and say yes before we know where You made lead because we know that You will go with us. Christ in us is the hope of glory. What privilege! May we walk with our hands raised for the sake of Your glory. God, help me to love Your Son above anyone and anything.

Love you! xoxo

South Carolina

I'm so grateful for your comment; it greatly encouraged me. I'm not sure what you meant by renewing your relationship with Christ. I don't know how far you've gone, where you are, or what you have done... but know that Christ runs to you. No matter what.

Tamar is written about in 2 Samuel 13:1-22. Although Tamar had a heinous crime done to her, I think as women we can relate to her feelings of being desolate or disgraced, whether from our own sin or the sins of others committed against us. Satan is actively and progressively pedaling the demoralization of women.

I want to share a beautiful picture of Christ in something that Beth Moore wrote. She often times, writes from Biblical stories, yet gives them her own personal imagination. Therefore, it gives us even more a sense of just how our King relates to us. I put myself right where Tamar sat... in ashes.

"Imagine Tamar: grief-stricken, sobbing, ashes on her head. Her body in a heap on the cold floor. Soot covers her beautiful face and smears the rich colors of her torn robe. Her outward appearance echoes the cavernous darkness in her soul. Hopelessness and death well up in her. She is nothing but a tomb.
The door of her room slowly creaks open. A stream of cloudy sunlight pours through the door. A figure of a man takes form within it. Not Absalom. No, she would recognize Absalom anywhere. Her hearts jumps with sickening terror; then the figure steps through the door and His visage becomes clear. Tamar has never seen Him before, yet He looks so familiar. Not frightening. And she should be frightened. No man should be entering her chamber. She should run, but she cannot seem to move.
She glances down at the hands that seem paralyzed on her lap, her palms covered with ash. She suddenly becomes shamefully aware of her appearance. Wretchedness sears her heart. She is certain her violated estate is obvious. She despises herself.
'Tamar,' the man speaks gently and with warm familiarity.
Her heart sobs, 'She is dead!' A slave of shame has taken her place.
He approaches and takes her face in His hands. No one has ever done that before. The overwhelming intimacy turns her face crimson, not with shame but with vulnerability. His thumbs sweep over her cheeks and wipe the tears from her face. As He takes His hands from her face and places them on her head, her throat aches with fresh cries as she sees the filth on His hands. Her filth. He draws back His hands and she senses something on her head. Perhaps in His mercy He has hooded her disgrace.
The man offers her His hands, still covered with soot, and she takes them. Suddenly she is standing. Trembling. He leads her to the brass mirror hung on the wall. She turns her face away. He lifts her chin. She gives the mirror only a glance. Her heart is startled. She begins to stare. Her face is no longer streaked with dirt. Her cheeks are blushed with beauty; her eyes are clear and bright. Her torn coat is gone. A garment of fine white linen graces her neck and adorns her frame. The King's daughter, pure and undefiled. Beauty from ashes."

May you see, SC, who you truly are in Christ.

I don't want to be concerned with the affairs of this world. No matter what they are, how big or persistent they are.

I want to know my Daddy's heart. I desperately want mine to beat with His.

Maybe I'm Afraid

Maybe I'm afraid to open up and let You in behind the curtain
Maybe I'm afraid of the questions I know You'd raise, of what I thought was certain
Maybe I'm afraid of the mess that it's sure to make, of all I tried to simplify and organize
But I just can't deny that there's no way I can hide

It's written on my face and all the complications
Fumbling with my equations now
They crumble to the ground
With everything I fought to be without Your help
Cause if I let You in I'll never be the same, so I try to escape
Maybe I'm afraid

Maybe I'm afraid to let it go and just accept the love You've spoken
Maybe I'm afraid of the way that I know You'll fix everything that's broken
Or maybe I'm afraid cause I don't know who You are
And that the more I keep from You
The more I'll lose, so what am I holding on to

Afraid I'll be complete and still so weak in Your hands
Maybe I'm afraid
Afraid that it won't last
I'll only be only half without You

Maybe I'm afraid to let You change my heart with all it's hiding
And maybe I'm afraid that I just might fall apart unless Your beside me
Maybe I'm afraid

--Kerrie Roberts